Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Down With Something

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     I told myself that this year, I'll try to be more active and would at least try working out. I have never been a fan of fitness or exercising. Back in the day, when I wanted to lose weight, I would just curb my food intake and shorten my sleep. But this time around, I'm going to try and do it the right way. I have been following a couple of workouts from different websites and I seem to be getting the hang of it. Yesterday however, I woke up with a heavy feeling coupled with a runny nose. I took some medicine and decided to skip working out. On my way home, I realized that even though I might not be able to work out, I could still get my sweat running and it might actually alleviate my somewhat heavy feeling. So from the train station, I walked briskly until I got home. That made me sweat and it did help me. I still have fever today but since I'm better I decided to do some yoga stretches after working. 
     I didn't know working out can be this addicting. Crap. 

Tuesday, January 13, 2015


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I look in the mirror and I see you
You look at it and you see me
We are two peas in pod

Years passed and we drift apart
Two lives so different from the start
The friendship was put into last

But I see the mirror and I see you
We are the same even if we’re different
For our friendship is genuine and true

Monday, January 12, 2015

In a different life

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I study books on astral dreaming,
Seeking a way to be with you

We are together in the dream
But I must wake up in the end it seems

For I live a life far from our vision
I am in reality a warrior without a mission

But I know once I fall into slumber
I’ll see our love’s aura, a bright amber

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Huwag Maging Dayuhan sa Sariling Bayan

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     Ever since I was young, I've always believed that Susan Calo-Medina was my mother. Watching her in her show "Travel Time" always felt like seeing how my mom worked. As a person who is never really fond of traveling mainly because of my motion sickness, Susan through her show brought me along to the different places she went to. Not only did she highlight the beauty of the Philippines but also allowed all of us to experience the journey with her.

     Now that she's gone to another journey, it's up to us that she left behind, to keep her spirit alive by 
discovering the beauty of our country and show it to everyone in the world. Because it will always start with us.

     And just like she said, "Huwag maging dayugan sa sariling bayan."

     We will miss you, Susan, and thank you for showing what a beautiful country this is. 

Thursday, January 8, 2015

I Am Charlie

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   The attack on satirical French magazine Charlie Hebdo yesterday which killed 12 people including its Editor-in-Chief is a clear attack on freedom of speech and expression and essentially human rights. Given the satirical magazine's content and stories that they publish, this does not give anyone to massacre all those people. 

   To everyone who believes in freedom of expression, let's all raise our virtual pens and not let this scare us. 

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

I See Nothing

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In the darkness I see nothing
In the darkness I hear nothing
In the darkness I feel alone
In the darkness I am swallowed

Under the layer of darkness there is you
I may see nothing but I perceive you
I may hear nothing but I heed your call
I may be alone but I am not
I may be swallowed but you will lift me up

You are the light
You are my guide
I see nothing
But with you I’ll find the way

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Seemingly (Part 2)

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     “Don’t scare me. Please put the gun down. Let’s talk about it.” Gela pleaded. At the back of her mind, she started to think the different scenarios as to how she could snatch the gun away from Mika who was still smiling at her.

     “I’m not trying to scare you. OK, let’s talk.” Mika told Gela. She was enjoying what she was seeing. Gela was pale, her fists were clenched, but she also knew at the same time that Gela was thinking of a million things to diffuse the situation. “Gela dear, you know how my mind works. We may look completely different but when it comes to how to think, we’re like two peas in a pod.” she thought amusingly.

“All I can think of is ‘why?’” Gela told Mika.
“Didn’t I tell you earlier that there could be no reason for one to kill him or herself?” Mika replied, still calm.
     “Are you trying to prove your point?” Gela’s voice rose. Panic started to sink in her system. She knew she was paralyzed by fear, but for some reason, her mind was crystal clear. A part of her doesn't want to back down at her argument with Mika.

     “Well what do you think?” Mika mockingly told Gela. “Read what's on the monitor.” she ordered Gela.

     Gela’s legs seem to have formed a mind of its own. She started to walk to the computer. She sat down and read what’s in the monitor.

“’ The meaning of life is a concept that provides an answer to the philosophical question concerning the purpose and significance of life or existence in general. It can be expressed through answering a variety of related questions, such as "Why are we here?", "What is life all about?", and "What is the meaning of it all?".  It has been the subject of much philosophical, scientific, and theological speculation throughout history. There have been a large number of theories to these questions from many different cultural and ideological backgrounds. But the meaning of life could be that exact question itself "what is the meaning of life" or life trying to find it's meaning.”’

“I’m sorry if I fail to see the point at what you're showing me.” she managed to crack at Mika.

  Mika seem to get it and just laughed. “Well you see, my dear, underneath that goth-ish ‘I’m all about death’ aura, you’re a person who tries to find the meaning of life.” she told Gela. “I may be wrong at this, but I believe that you are scared to take your own life that you need to constantly tell yourself that you want to kill ‘you’ just to remind yourself how much you cling to life.” explained Mika.

  Gela opened her mouth to answer but Mika cut her off. “You ask, what things you cling to?” she asked the still open mouthed Gela.

  The girl just nodded her head.

  “For one, your family. You mentioned before that even though your family is dysfunctional as a poorly written sitcom, you’ll never trade them for anyone else’s. You’re desperate like your mother and non-committal to everything else like your father. Second, this paper. Remember when we both got in? You always seem to beat the deadline regardless of the assignments and quizzes piled on top of you. Not to mention that you could go for days without sleep just so you could finish your article.” Mika explained. She continued “Yes I’ve seen how your face changes whenever we’re here and we’re discussing the contents of the next issue or even if we’re just discussing things like books. You seem to be at home here.”

  “And what about you? Don’t you feel the same?” Gela asked Mika. She realized that the gun is real. And that Mika was serious about pulling the trigger. She frantically thought of things to say or do to change the mind of the person in front of her.

     “I like to write but it’s not my reason to live.” Mika told Gela coldly.

  Gela stood up without warning and this surprised Mika. Everything happened in slow motion. Gela, realizing what she had done looked horrified at the scene playing out in front of her. She saw Mika pull the trigger, Gela saw the flash from the nuzzle come out. She then saw the other side of Mika’s head explode. Blood mixed with Mika’s brain flew out of her head. Gela managed to look at Mika’s face while this was all going on. She saw Mika’s smile slowly evaporating as it was replaced with insurmountable pain. From smile to grimace. From blissfully happy to hellishly freaky. This was going through Gela’s head as she saw Mika slowly fall to the floor.

  The soft thud snapped her back to reality and she quickly ran to Mika’s side who has shaking as if being attacked by an epileptic shock.

  “Mikaaa! Wake up! I’m going to call for help!” Gela shouted at Mika while lightly tapping her face.

  Mika’s only response was blood gurgling out from her mouth. Knowing that her life will end shortly she slowly lifted her hand and opened it revealing a paper. Gela took it still reeling from the shock of what just happened and watched as Mika took her last breath.

  A couple of seconds passed which seemed to be hours for Gela. She opened the crumpled paper and started to read.

“’My life has no meaning. I’m not struggling. I want to struggle. I don’t want things to be handed down to me. I don’t appreciate perfection. Chaos is what I live for. I guess I wasn't born to live long enough to find it. So instead I choose Death. I choose it not as last ditch effort, but as an answer to my quest for disorder, for turmoil.”

     Gela, after finishing reading the letter, stood up called for help. While waiting for the help to arrive, she sat and finished her pending article.

The End. 

Monday, January 5, 2015

Seemingly (Part 1)

5:00 AM

     “Crap, it’s Monday again.” These are the first words that came out of Gela’s lips as she stood up from her bed. She did not even bother to comb her hair which red streaks in it.

     “Breakfast time! Don’t stay up late and have wake you up! Get up!” Gela’s mother shouted in succession.

     “Alright, I’ll be downstairs!” she yelled back. “Where’s my diary?” she thought to herself as she rummaged through her stuff. Upon finding it, she immediately wrote a new entry.

     “March 15. Today, I was hoping not to wake up. To die in my sleep. Trying to live a normal life is extremely difficult especially when the world you live starts to spin out of control”.
“I’ve been tasked to follow-up on all the back logged tasks for the school paper. There are times when I question myself for joining the school publication. But every time I ask myself that, I get this feeling of accomplishment. A reward for doing what I love.”

     “Do I really need to go up there and drag your butt down here?” Gela’s mother bawled. “Your breakfast is getting cold”, she said afterwards.

     “Jeez, alright” she uttered. “And we’re back to planet Earth” she thought mournfully. While she was climbing down the stairs, she was greeted by the voice of mom saying, “Your dad won’t be able to drive you to school. He came in pretty late last night.”, she finished irritatingly, as if a playmate had stolen her candy.

     “And you’re still not used to it?” she answered nonchalantly. “Reality check mother dear, he will never change and I have no idea why you put up with him. We colud always leave him you know.” , she said with some degree of anger in her voice.

     “Don’t worry about it, we’ll find the right time to do it.” , her mother’s voice trailed off and started to look as if the right time is slowly being a far fetched dream.

     “Let’s just eat, ok?” Gela said to her mom to bring her back to the reality of eating breakfast. “Another reason why I want to die. A pseudo-absentee father and a mother yearning from freedom from a life of quiet desperation”. 

     She ate finished her breakfast hurriedly, took a bath and literally ran out of the house to go to school.

5: 00 AM

            “Rise and shine princess!” were the first words of her mother that infiltrated Mika’s ears as she woke up. She opened her eyes and slowly sat up on her bed. She kissed her mom on the cheeks as she greeted her “Good morning”.
            “Breakfast’s ready, I’ll take care of this.”, her mother said, referring to her unmade bed.
            “OK”, answered Mika. But before going down, she secretly took her diary and hurriedly went down the stairs and went straight to the chicken. She immediately started writing an entry after making herself comfortable on the dining table.
            “March 15: What a beautiful day. Another day, another chance, a new hope for all. Everything is going great for now. I’m going to pass my article today at the office. I’m tired of it all…”.
            “You haven’t touched your breakfast. Don’t you like what’s on the table?” her mother perkily inquired.
            “I was just doodling something.” she replied.
            “I had such a lovely time last night at the concert that your Dad and I went to.” her mother cheerily informed.
            “Really? Bummer that I wasn’t able to tag along” Mika said.
            “Until now, I couldn’t stop myself from singing whenever I remember how much fun I had.” Mika’s mother went on while as if still reeling from enjoying last night by dancing. Mika answered with a smile.
            “If I stay here any longer, I’m going to be really late.” Mika said to her mother who was sort of snapped out of her daydream.
            “OK darling, go ahead and take a bath and I’ll take care of this.” said her mother. Mika stood up from the dining table and went to take a shower. After she was done dressing up she said went back to her mom.
            “I’m going now” she said.
            “OK. Take care. The driver’s waiting for you” Mika’s mother uttered.

9:30 A.M.

     “Alright class, since we finished the course outline a little early this semester, I will ask someone from this class to choose any topic which he or she thinks needs to be talked about more…” said Mika and Gela’s professor in Psychology.

     The class fell silent. Some displayed annoyance at the thought of having a something new to talk about, while the others clearly showed that they did not care at all. Mika slowly raised her hand as a thought started to form in her head.

     “Yes Mika?” acknowledged her professor.

    “I was actually wondering about the dynamics of suicide. Why people do it, the mental state leading up to the act itself. The works.” answered Mika.

     “Well in some cases, people take their lives because of pride. Like the ancient Japanese samurais. Rather than accepting a humiliating defeat, they welcome the thought of dying at their own hands. Others do it because of the overwhelming feeling of not being able to handle the problems that came their way so they resort to this act. While some thinks that by committing suicide, they would be able to escape the ‘mad reality’ as they say” he explained.

    “So is it ok to say that if you’re afflicted with the deadly sin of pride, then there’s the possibility of actually taking your own life because you can’t let go of your arrogance?” Mika inquired.

     “Well if you look at it that way, you could say that” their teacher said.

     “But what if someone wants to kill his or herself for no apparent reason?” Mika asked again.

     “Remember that in life, everything we do has a reason no matter how mundane or random it is. It is a bit illogical if you’re going to do it on a whim.” interjected Gela.
     “Fine. But what if the actual purpose is to try and experience the feeling of committing suicide.” countered Mika.
        “There would still be a reason as to why the person would still want to try the feeling of taking your own life.” Gela asked Mika.
          “That’s it. He or she just wanted to try it.” answered Mika smilingly.
           The bell rang, signaling the end of the class.
           “OK everyone, you know what that means. Mika, you made the class lively today, good job. And Gela, I was actually expecting a little more from you today.” their teacher said to the two. Mika just smiled as if some dark cloud was forming in her head. Gela on the other hand was just staring and smiling disdainfully at her teacher while she walked out of the room. Gela went and sat beside Mika and asked her, “Why the sudden in interest in suicide?”
            “Nothing. I see nothing wrong with it. Do you remember when we took that psychological test for fun? You had the highest suicidal tendencies.” Mika answered while writing ‘Making love with death, seducing it, outsmarting it, experiencing what lies beyond death,’
            “And so? Gela said exasperatingly. “On something not related to wrist-slitting, we were partnered to do a feature article for the next issue. Any topics you have in mind?”
            “Way ahead of you. Since we just discussed suicide, why don’t we write about the people who actually tried killing themselves but then chose to live instead.” she said matter-of-factly.
            A smile formed in Gela’s face at what her “partner” had said. “That sounds interesting.” she said. She looked at her watch and grabbed her stuff and stood up, and said, “I gotta get to my next class. Let’s just meet at the office and discuss your idea there later.” and then ran out of the room. Mika was left there still writing on her notebook. After a couple of minutes she checked the time, calmly stood and walked out of the room to get to her next class. She didn't notice that a piece of paper that from the notebook that she was writing on fell off with the phrase written ‘Me and Death are one’.

2:00 P.M.

        Gela looked annoyed. The class was given another paperwork, the third for the day, and the will be submitted the day after the next.

     “There’s a conspiracy going here. And it involves torturing students mentally,
until they break. I am not surprised that some had already killed themselves because of academic pressures. Times like these makes me want to join the suicide bandwagon.” she muttered while writing down the instructions for the research that she’ll be doing. “They’ll not read this thoroughly anyway.” she followed on grumbling.

2:30 P.M.

            “Good work Mika on your research. I have a feeling you’ll get a high grade on your report.” said Mika’s teacher. She just smiled and said “Actually, I’m still not done and I was going to ask your advice since I’m thinking of adding other factors like causality. I’m worried that it might get off topic if I introduce it, but I found some interesting researches done my scientists on this so I want to at least talk about just as an introduction. “
            “Very well. Anyways, I’ll read it before you present it in class.” her teacher answered.
            After the class was dismissed, Mika went to the office and sent a text message to Gela to meet her there once her class ended. Upon arriving at the office, she noticed that no one was there, so she decided to start on their article. While typing, an evil smile formed on her face as if something bad was about to happen.
            Gela received Mika’s text message and as soon as her class finished she immediately went to the office. She got there and found Mika on the computer typing.
            “OK, I’m here, let’s start.” she said.
            “Yeah, let me just finish this.” Mika answered. After she was done typing she stood up and took something out of her bag.
            Gela upon seeing the object stared at Mika in bewilderment.
            “Please tell me that, that gun is fake.” she said carefully as Mika pointed the gun at her temple.
            “I don’t think that’s what you’re supposed to say to a person who’s holding a gun to her head.” she said coldly.

End of Part 1. 

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Thoughts of a doodler

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   I'm a boy who can't drive a stake to your heart. I honestly believed that I was a Potential and when the Chosen One decided to activate all of the would-be slayers to slay the Dracula cronies, I thought that I would be activated as well. But I'm not a girl. I'm a boy. and a nerd at that. A nerd without the knowledge about being one. Whenever you would tell not to be depressed, I don't know if I would be able to do it. Fighting against depression is much harder than letting it overpower you. The feeling that it slowly creeps within the corners of your heart than trying to raise an army of blood-suckers. I sometimes feel that being depressed is the only thing that justifies my life. and yet somehow, I also find the strength to fight it off. I want to resist it enough so I can see and touch small portions of happiness. I cannot be truly happy. I am beneath the right to be happy. It seems that when happiness touches me, bad things tend to follow.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Family Day

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   My feet gave out today. There was so much walking, that my years of walking long distances didn't come in handy. But it was a wonderful time with the family before the male parental unit goes back to work on Monday.

   This must happen again.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Happy New Year

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   Happy New Year. Stop doing new year's resolution. Strive to be the best you can be. Everything else will follow. Oh, and go and be happy. Start the year right.