Battle of The Tiny Bulge

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     I have a love-hate relationship with working out. The only time I remember enjoying a workout was when I was training for CAT. I enjoyed the pain that it brought on my body. I also enjoyed the positive changes in my body. Eventhough I was very slim, I felt very strong, I had a flat but firm tummy and I could outlast almost  everyone in my training class in a marathon.

     But after that, everything seems to just go in a downward spiral. I put on a lot on weight in college for reasons I do not know. I enjoyed sleeping a lot. Even when I was in our student publication office, people would catch me taking two hour naps. After graduating, I got a job that had night shifts.That didn't help in making me lose the weight. I chugged down crazy amounts of soda, and snacked my way through my shifts. When I realized that it was becoming a problem, I did what any self-respecting person would do in a time a like this. Crash diet. I stopped eating rice, concentrated on eating wheat bread. I also limited my sleeping to about 4-6 hours. In the course of two months, I lost a lot of weight. I also looked like I snorted an entire bag of cocaine in one sitting. From then on, I worked on gaining some weight whiel still eating healthily. During my time in my first job, I managed to instill a level of discipline that allowed me to stave off any possible crazy weight gains that comes with working in the night shift. 

     Now that I'm working from home, it's become pretty evident that I have lost that discipline. Although I still feel strong, I have gained a belly from all the sitting. It also didn't helped that I was once again consuming crazy amounts of soda to keep up with Allan's night time body clock. That is why I have take n the necessary steps in trying to be healthy again. Aside from lowering my rice intake, I have started working out. I still enjoy sweating it out. The only thing that annoys me is some of the workout programs that I follow has some weird illustrations on how to do some of the exercises, that it somehow impedes my momentum.

     But since I've alrady started, there's no stopping now. 

Hey, thanks.

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     Today, I would like to talk about appreciation. Ever since I was young, I was taught to appreaciate the things around me. From the food that I ate, the clothes I wore, and even the act of kindness done to me. I have always been grateful to the people who have helped me along the way. 

     That's the reason why I'm always horrified to hear someone being unappreciative of the things being done for them. I remember a time when I would whine about a lot of things. I would complain and complain non-stop and felt that I was being cheated out of something that should've been mine. I was resentful at the people around me for being in the state that we are in. I neglected to notice their efforts in making sure that I at least have what I needed.

     Now that I'm working in an industry where you constantly have to hustle, it is both a humbling and character-building experience to be appreciative of the efforts of the people around you and how they have helped you in whatever form. It also taught me to not just appreciate others but also be grateful to my own efforts. Learning how to appreciate one's self is a constant battle with the rejections left and right, but it is such a good feeling to have when you pat your own back when you've done a good job at work or when you've done something for the people you love to make their lives comfortable. 

     Sadly, sometimes appreciation is not our default emotion in handling certain situations. 

Wired In

     

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     Today was an ok day at work. I managed to do everything I needed to do within my shift and I was also able to squeeze a couple side social media projects. I also was able to hear mass online. All of these activities made me realize that I was hooked up to my laptop for almost 12 hours.

     While working from is still one the best things that I decided to embark on, there are times when it takes over my life and almost everything I do is online. Except for banking and paying bills. Cause I'm paranoid like that. Hahaha.

     I talk a lot about not relying too much on gadgets and the internet and I still believe that we still could have lives minus these things, but it just offers so much convenience that while it makes things easier for us, it also sometimes isolates us from the people around us. In my case, there are times where I rarely get to swap stories with the people in this house because I'm working. The only time I get to gossip with them is when I'm done or when there's a light workload for that day, But we always try to find ways to savor and appreciate the time that we get to spend together. 

     On the upside, listening to mass was more tolerable since I don't have to worry about the heat and church goers chit chatting. So there. 

Yes, Let's Do This

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     My continuing feeling of loneliness still envelops my entire being. As much as I want to interact with people today, it just feels like I'm not getting anywhere. Probably because I feel ignored. I am used to not being the center of attention. I enjoy doing things better when people aren't crowding around me. But, now that I've forging relationships with people, the feeling of being ignored or being swept under the rug hurts more, because they are from the ones that you care the most. 

     So what's a lonely boy got to do on a Saturday afternoon? I decided to embrace this lonely feeling and went to Quiapo just to explore. It always amazes me that I'm still able to discover new things. For a moment I felt like being embraced by a friend who's been waiting for me. 

     Being lonely ain't that bad, sometimes.

Loneliness

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     Growing up as an only kid, I never really felt lonely while I was going through my childhood. Not having friends to play with, I was contented to play by myself and read books. 

     But as one grows up and starts to form relationship whether romantic or not, opening yourself and letting other people in can sometimes make you feel more alone and lonely than before. 

     Loneliness sometimes feels like a long lost friend that you haven't seen for a long time. Maybe an embrace and a chit chat wouldn't hurt. 

Crowning Worry

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     I have let my hair grow out thrice. The first time was motivated by a heartbreak, coupled by massive amounts of laziness. The second time was the realization that having a wolf's tail (before it became a fad) was not the right style for me. The third was finally realizing that I should stick what works for me. 

     Growing my hair out has never been a problem to me. Female parental unit used to take me to the barber every month because my hair would grow out that quick. The funny thing is, when I decided to let it grow, my hair would not cooperate, especially the third time. 

     Lately, I've noticed a lot of hair falling off of my head. From our bed up to the bathroom, there are clumps of hair lying around. Although, I don't see any bald spots on my head, it is pretty alarming to see that many hair fall out of you. It might be because I got sick late last year. We thought it was dengue, but it wasn't but it still rendered me unusable for almost a week. Maybe the trauma that body went through is now just manifesting through my hair.

     I should be freaking out about this, but that does not help and it might only aggravate the state of affairs that my hair is going through right now. The best way to deal with this is to just chill, make myself as healthy as I could be, and take extra care of my hair

Incision and Drainage

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     I rant a lot. Probably more than I should. Especially back when I was at my old job. It was my way of dealing the stress brought about my work. I barely remember the times when I just held it in or dea lt with it besides going on full verbal diarrhea mode. But over the years, I have slowly learned to channel that energy into dealing with the things I'm frustrated with. Though they might not always work or have the outcome that I want, it made me less ranty and more mindful of how I am when I'm dealing with a very stressful situation. 

     Working from home still has its challenges and could be as toxic as an office environment, but since I've learned to channel my frustrations, I have handled it better and made me a better listener at least to the nearest person ranting about their day.

     I've known Allan to be a patient and understanding man especially at work. Though he does not tolerate stupidity and inefficiency, he will be the first one to address the problem at hand and will look for long term solutions. And I'm envious at him for having this kind of foresight and resolve. Today was a different thought. He came on late from work and went to vent about certain issues right off the bat. I have learned ago to not go head-to-head with him and just listen to him until finishes. When he had finished I offered a couple of suggestions to him and asked if it was really the reason for his frustrations. Even at the height of his exasperation, he still knew what he needed to do and just wanted someone to unload his rants to. 

     For some, it might seem that I might be taking a lot by taking on his vents and it could be detrimental to me. I love the guy and I will continue to absorb his frustrations and fears and put into good use. That's what you do to the people you love. 

Naejot memēbātās!

photo courtesy of www.deopavanstan.info

     The thing about the start of the month is that it gives us a feeling that we can start over again and learn from the things that have happened in the previous month. 

     I am not like this. The things that have happened to me these past months will continue to linger and probably nag their way back, so the best thing is to just confront them and hopefully get to learn something new.

     I was supposed to look for a 30 Day Writing Challenge since I saw some social media friends complete theirs, but seeing I failed on my previous attempt, what I'm going to do is just write for 30 days. No planned topic. Just write whatever I find interesting that day. 

     No promises, but fully jumping in head first. 

#30DayWritingChallenge: Your Worst Brithday

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     I rarely celebrate birthdays. I find it tedious and I don't want to have a bad memory about my birthday. But, life will always find a way to make sure every one us will have one.

      A couple of years ago after I left my first job, I decided to start freelancing and work from home. The first year of that venture was brutal, as I did not have a clue of of what working from home would entail. I got rejection after rejection. To soothe my crushed ego, I went into chat rooms. A week before my birthday I met a guy, who had a very sardonic wit and according was always horny. That day, we decided to meet in person. I went over to his place and we talked about books and movies and tv shows. With all these topics being thrown around we still managed to hook. The sex was adequate and I went home the following the day. We continued to text that day when he dropped a bomb on me. He said we shouldn't be seeing each other anymore. Thinking that it was another rejection, I quickly accepted it and said goodbye to him.
 
     On the day of my birthday, he sent me a text message greeting me on my special day. He asked if we could meet and I said yes. Suffice to say we ended up in bed again, but this time we got to talk a bit more about our status. He said that he was about to leave the country and does not know what will happen to us. I told him that whatever happen will happen and all the other things people in rom-coms would say to each other.

     Several weeks had passed and I went into the chat rooms again. Lo and behold, there he was. I confronted him about the whole thing and he told me what I presumed at that time to be the truth. He wasn't leaving the country. The reason why he couldn't see me anymore was that he had a boyfriend. They've hit a rough patch and decided to work things out separately when I entered the picture. During my birthday week they've managed to patch things up and become a couple once again. He told me to not hope that he will be mine.

      I was devastated. But not for the reasons he told me. I could have spent my birthday with my family, or even by myself, but I chose to celebrate it with him. That was a big kick in my face.

        To this day, I never knew what happened to him. Might as well. 

       

       

#30DayWritingChallenge: A Neighbor

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       Our neighbor is an elderly couple with four children. In almost fifteen years that I've lived beside them, I have seen their children finish school, move out of their house and build their own families. The husband is a college professor in a nearby university while his wife is stays at home. My family was always cordial with them. They would always give us something whenever they would return from their province. The male parental unit has even fixed their some of the appliances when it broke down.

   
    Recently, they got tangled in a row with another neighbor. It came as a shock to us how undignified and low they treated the neighbor. Sure, the other neighbor does not have a diploma and is known in our area as someone who would always find themselves in a argument but I don't think that verbally degrading the other neighbor and devaluing their existence is the way to go.

     
       When their youngest child returned to live with them along with her husband and son, it gave me a glimpse to what goes on inside that house. They would always argue. Even shout at each other. It even came to the point where the elderly man would threaten to kick the daughter and her family out of the house. 

       
        It seems that their facade as an ideal family is starting to break down. 

#30DayWritingChallenge: A Kiss

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     A kiss is just a kiss is just kiss.

     This is what I would tell myself when I used to make out with different guys. There were times where I could feel what they were feeling at that moment aside from being horny. Other times, I would be clueless as to what they want while kissing.

     There is something about kissing that sends me into different emotions. When I was still single, I would spent a lot of time kissing a guy compared to doing the deed. To me, it felt more intimate, personal. That doesn't work when you're on a one night stand.

     One time I kissed a girl. Not because I wanted to see if I was straight or not, but rather see if there was a difference. There wasn't any difference, but at the same time I didn't feel anything. I wasn't revolted at the what I did. It was more like I know for a fact that I'll never ever get the same satisfaction in kissing girls.

     And no, I'm not ashamed to kiss my man in public. 

#30DayWritingChallenge: An Inanimate Object That's Important To You

     I'm not fond of receiving gifts. Especially from boyfriends.

     But when Allan gave me a watch, it made me appreciate even more. 

     In his defense, he also bought one for himself.

     The watch was one of the first things that meant something to me. It showed that Allan values our time together and he was thinking of me all the time. This may sound like something from a romcom film but this watch was one the reasons why I love him, aside from his other lovely qualities. 

     Whenever we would go out, we ask each other if we're going to wear our couple's watch. We hate couple shirts but love the idea of having something that signifies your being a couple. And this was the best idea. 

#30DayWritingChallenge: A Strange Phone Call

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     Allan and I are not in the habit of calling each other. 

     We also are not in the habit of sending text messages to each other asking where the other one is. It was enough for us that we get customary text message informing the person where he is.

     So it's always a strange thing whenever he calls.

    You see, he only calls when there's an emergency or if there's something going on at work. On that particular day, both things were happening. He had some emergency at work right at the same time that their I.T. department decided to use his login as a testing point for migration. Without prior notice. He was obviously upset about the whole situation, and kept myself from interrupting him and let him have the moment to vent out. We ended our phone call as if nothing happened.

     When I got home, we had nothing to talk about.      

#30DayWritingChallenge: Your Father or Mother

     Instead of writing about one of the parental units, I decided to write about both of them.

   

   Female parental unit came from a well-off and mildly influential family. Her earliest memories were of the break down of the her parents' marriage. She and her sister were shipped off to my grandfather's side to live a comfortable life. Unfortunately, it was anything but. Sure, they were well-fed and they had clothes on their back but neither of them felt what it's like to have parental affection. Luckily, their grandparents adored them. Especially female parental unit. 

   

     She was the good girl out of the grand children. The one who would always do the right thing, not for brownie points but because of conviction. She inherited her grandfather's diplomacy and fairness. Sometimes too much of it. Growing up, she didn't know what she wanted in life. She seemed to be contented with what everyone expected her to do. After getting her diploma she stared working and decided to have children. Minus the husband.

   

     Along came male parental unit.

    He was the second of nine children. He came from a poor family. He was never the favorite, but he never resented this. He took on the bulk of the work on the rice field because the eldest brother was sickly. He was used to not getting things he wanted, but that didn't stop him for trying. He was always on the side of good and up till now he'll be the first one to walk away from a fight even if he can break the guy's neck in three places.

   

    One would think that this pairing will not last. With female parental unit's spoiled little rich girl behavior and her penchant to just go along with what life gives her. And then we have male parental unit, with his simple outlook and good boy persona, it sure was a break up waiting to happen.

   

    And yet here they are. Still standing. Both have evolved. Both have become better versions of themselves. They have been through so much hardships, it sometimes baffles me that they still chose to stick it out. 

   

     I wish my own relationship could last that long. 

#30DayWritingChallenge: Your First Heart Break

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   I've only had a couple of boyfriends but it's a bit funny now to look back that I got my first heartbreak from a guy who is not my boyfriend.

     Several years ago, there's this gay forum site where I log in. There are different sections for health, pop culture, literature, etc. I mostly went to the trivia and word game sites to just play and not really hook up. There was this one guy who I constantly played with on one of the word games. Things escalated and he asked me to meet him. We met around my area and walked around and just basically talked. Before leaving he kissed me and asked if we could see each other again 

     We met each other again. We ate and decided to go his place. Over the course of several months he showed me what an adult relationship is. The catch was, we were never an item. He told me that he slept with a couple of guys while dating and told me that he'll try to be exclusive with me. But that was quickly forgotten.

     During my time with the guy, I got to go to different places, meet different people, read different books. Everything was perfect except for our status. 

     On the day that we 'broke up' I cried all the way from Makati to Manila. I was so shattered that I couldn't see myself as person. My whole existence was wiped out. 

      I resented the whole thing but at the same time I patterned my next relationships with I had with the guy. I became matured and treated all my past boyfriends as partners. Equals. 

      As much as it pains me to recount the whole thing, if it weren't for the guy, I don't think I'd be a better partner for my boyfriend.

       Plus we're friends. That's one less person on my kill list. Kidding of course. 

#30DayWritingChallenge: The Story Behind Your Profile Picture

   This photo was taken when Allan and went to Viking's to celebrate my birthday. I'm not a fan of celebrating my birthday. I felt out of place in the mini-parties that female parental unit organized for me back in grade school. 

     Allan decided not to surprise me because

1. He knew my aversion to celebrating my birthday.
2. I found out about his little plan and spoiled it.
3. He knew he could get to go with telling me in advance 
4. Food. Food. Food.

    A day before our Viking's adventure, I came down with a flu. Upon arriving at our place, I decided to take a cold shower since my fever was running high. Both of us were determined to have our fill even if I was not 100% energy wise.

     

    When we got there the first thing that we did was to pile food on our plates. It was after sitting down and talking about something that Allan remembered to take my birthday picture.

The #30DayWritingChallenge

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   I found this challenge from a friend and since I have not been regularly posting like I intended, I might as well challenge myself. I have to admit that for someone who also writes for a living, I sure suck at maintaining my own avenue for creative outlet. I could make a list of why I can't post regularly but that's just putting the spotlight on my issue. 

   Enough about that, let's start writing!